Grief Does Not Follow a Schedule: What I Wish More People Knew About Loss

When someone we love dies, or we lose something that mattered deeply (such as a relationship, our health, a home, or a version of ourselves), we are often handed a script: five stages, a timeline, and an expectation that grief should soften in an orderly way. Real grief rarely follows the script.

In my work as a counsellor in Coquitlam, I have sat with people grieving losses that happened last week and losses that happened decades ago. Both are valid. Grief is not linear; it moves in waves, and waves can arrive years later, set off by a song, a smell, an anniversary, or a moment of unexpected joy that reminds us who is not there to share it.

One of the most harmful myths about grief is that it should be finished by a certain point. Colleagues return to work after two weeks, friends stop asking after a few months, and quietly the grieving person learns to hide. What research actually tells us is that we do not "get over" significant loss. Instead, we learn to carry it and rebuild a life around it.

Sometimes grief becomes complicated: when the loss was sudden or violent, when the relationship was ambivalent, when we had to be strong for everyone else, or when grief arrives on top of other stresses. Signs can include intense longing that does not ease, feeling that life is meaningless without the person, avoidance of any reminder, or being unable to function months later. These are not character flaws; they are signals that extra support would help.

Grief counselling is not about rushing you toward closure. It is about giving your grief room to exist: to tell the story of your loss, to hold complicated feelings like guilt, anger, relief, and regret alongside the love, and to find a way to stay connected to what you lost while re-engaging with your life.

If you are grieving, here are three gentle truths I offer every client: there is no right way to do this; you do not have to carry it alone; and healing does not mean forgetting.

I offer grief counselling in person in Coquitlam and securely online anywhere in British Columbia. If you would like to talk about what you are carrying, you are welcome to book a free phone consultation.